In his book “The four seasons of marriage” by Gary Chapman the author lays out the perfect metaphor for what it is to have a long term relationship.

The acknowledgement that relationships go thru seasons helps us understand that things are cyclical and not on some sort of linear path to extinction. I really like and associate with this metaphor because I’ve seen it in my own marriage and in those around me. Some refer to it as the ups and downs, but the idea that we move thru 4 distinct seasons allows us to take a moment and evaluate where we feel we are, and opens the door for conversations with our partner about where they feel we are too.

The book describes the four seasons of marriage in the way that we feel during each season:

Summer: Is where it all starts, where we meet, fall in love, and start to build our connection to our partner. This is hot and steamy, its also full of disregard for warning signs but more on that later. Some also call this the limerence phase, where the chemicals in our body are dumping into our system creating a chemical romance of sorts.

Fall: Is where that hot and heavy starts to cool off a little, maybe you are settling in to a routine, maybe you are getting more comfortable with each other, and maybe the sadness that the hot summer months and feelings are starting to subside a little starts to set in. Maybe you notice he doesn’t put his clothes in the hamper, she doesn’t put her toothbrush back in the holder… you get the idea

Winter: Those little warning signs become burrs in your shoe, the burs start to cause disconnect, partners pull back, intimacy starts to suffer, fights start to settle in, you start to wonder if you married the right person, you start to wonder if there was ever any good and your memory starts to become foggy around those hot summer feelings.

Spring: Spring comes when those harsh feelings start to fade a little, when you start to feel more moments of connection and intimacy and things start to look brighter. The sun shines on your relationship and you start to experience a lightness and revival.

The main points the book wants to get across are this:

• All relationships go thru cycles, if you are in one that you like, what can you do to nurture it, if you are in one you don’t like, what can you do to help it grow.

• Relationships are perpetually on this cycle, this isn’t a runway with a start and an end, this is a merry-go-round where most people decide to jump off in winter because they loose hope for spring, or maybe they just don’t know that spring takes work?!

• This is normal and that there are things you can do to shorten the fall & winter, lengthen the spring & summer.

The big part that is missing for me in the analogy is that when we think about seasons we think about when they come and go… When they come and go, without our needing to do anything. One reading this book might hear the message that if you don’t like where you are, just wait and another season will come along. But unlike our weather, the seasons of marriage are 100% controlled by us. When I make the choice to show up for my partner emotionally and hold space even when I’m exhausted from the day, I’m calling in the warmer months of connection.

So the main thing I want you to take away from this is:

• The ups & downs are all part of the journey

• When you find yourself in a warmer month give gratitude for it, ask yourself and your partner how you can extend this summer.

• When you find yourself in the cooler months ask yourself what you can do to start planting seeds for spring and summer, what can you do to call in a better season?

• If you are in fall or winter: can you acknowledge that this is the down part of the cycle and invest your energy into that rain dance to call in spring?

If you find yourself in the colder months reach out to someone for help, It is too easy to get snow-blind and loose hope, an outside perspective on what is right, what is in the works, and what needs to be focused on can make all the difference in the world!

Remember to choose love, even when its hard!