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Conflict Resolution
Unresolved conflict leads to longterm resentments
Learn how to heal and repair from conflict before it sets in as resentments
If we can acknowledge that there is no perfect couple, no perfect partner, and that we ourselves are not perfect, we can start to understand that every relationship will experience conflict. Most of us have been taught to believe that conflict is bad and is a sign that our relationship is in trouble or is not meant to be. The truth is that all couples experience conflict, and the more tools you learn to have conflict in a healthy way, the faster the rebuilding process can start and the closer the conflict will bring you to each other.
We are two separate people with two separate life experiences and two separate points of view, most conflict exists because we are fighting to make our point of view heard or trying to convince our partner that our point of view is the “right” one.
“Seek to understand before seeking to be understood” ~ Stephen R. Covey
I love this simple principal from Stephen R. Covey, the idea that when we seek to understand our partners point of view (feelings, perception, experience …) and they are doing the same, we have a real opportunity to understand our partners point of view and to help them feel seen, heard, and respected.
So lets get started, this tool “the mini reunite tool” is the work of Dr. Wyatt Fisher and is a great tool to use in the moment to help find empathy, understanding, and connection in a time of conflict.
NOTE: If either partner is flooded, take a short break and come back to this when the charge has died down for both partners.
Download or Print a copy of the steps with prompts here.
6 Steps to better conflict resolution
Partner A: Describe your experience of the conflict
This is your opportunity to tap into the feelings you were feeling during the conflict and how it relates to your own core needs. The complaint is made without using the words YOU, ALWAYS, or NEVER and is in the format of your experience. Example: my experience was that my attempt to connect where ignored and it made me feel unimportant and tapped into my core need for safety in my relationship.
Partner B: Summarize what you have just heard
We do this step both to help our partner feel seen and heard, and to make sure that we have received the message of the complaint not just the words that were used. This is your chance to put your partners complaint into your own words which will also help you understand it better and feel it. This is the first step of learning how to bring empathy into your conflicts and conflict resolution. It is also important to note that when it is your turn to be the listener you practice empathetic listening, this means eye contact, open body language, avoiding signs of frustration and/or annoyance. If you have trouble with the idea, imagine that you are listening to a loved one explain a very serious story, you are interested, intent, and holding space for them to share. Example: You felt like I ignored you and your attempt to connect and it made you feel unimportant and unsafe in our relationship. Is that right? Important note for the naysayers: If you are an in argument with your partner it may be hard to try something that sounds like it is going to make them “right” do not let your ego play a role here. If you look closely this step isn’t about making your partner right, it is solely about acknowledging that their experience existed and is how they felt. Feelings belong to each of us and are valid, this step helps your partner feel seen and heard because you are telling them you hear their feelings and that they are valid.
Partner B: Owns their part in the conflict
This is partner B’s chance to look at their contribution to the situation, to explore what they may have been doing or have done to help create the situation that caused the complaint in the first place. It is important to note that this is your opportunity to own what parts are yours without defending. Example: I realize that you were trying to connect and I was not taking the time to listen or respond, I really could have done better putting down my phone to listen and interact with you. This step is often complicated by the fact that partner B will always wish to defend the actions that created the situation: “But I was answering an important work email” or “I had just gotten a text from our kid about…” The important part of this step is that you are acknowledging that something could have been done differently to help your partner feel more important to you. The work for you is learning the balance of dealing with the important things in life and communicating those in a way that addresses the underlying feelings and core wounds your partner is sharing with you in this complaint. In our example, if you were answering an important work email and missed partner A’s bid for connection you might acknowledge that a better way to address this with your partner is in the future learning to say something like “I really want to hear this, can you give me 2 minutes to finish this important work email?”.
Partner B: Providing empathy for your part
Since you are the listener this round, you get the opportunity to provide empathy for how your part of the conflict, again empathy is acknowledging that your partner felt the feelings they did in this moment and that you are acknowledging the role you played in helping create those negative feelings. Example: It must have felt really bad to feel like whatever I was doing on my phone was more important to you. This is simply taking what you know about how they felt in the moment and tying it to the part that you are owning in a way that helps them not only feel that you understand their feelings but that you are owning your part in how it made them feel.
Partner B: The Apology
It is amazing how many people I come across that have not ever been taught how to make a good apology. If you are one of those people that doesn’t not understand the how or why to make a real heart felt apology I have some great articles here and here that will help you understand the science behind apologies as well as what parts make up a good one (and a bad one for that matter). In this step you are going to apologize for the way your actions (your part) made your partner feel, with no caveats or qualifications. Example: I am so sorry that you felt ignored when you were trying to connect to me, that must have felt really horrible and I’m so very sorry to make you feel that way.
Partner B: Making Amends
I love the phrase “An apology without change is manipulation.” Nothing has stood more true for me in my life, when a partner has apologized to me for something and then continued to do the very thing they have apologized for it never feels like it was sincere and always feels like their apology was just something to appease me in the moment. So what does making amends look like for our conflict resolution? This is your opportunity to own your parts and suggest a path forward that will show your partner that their complaint is being heard and will be addressed. In our example that may look something like: I realize that sometimes I am not responsive to you when you are trying to connect, there may be many reasons for this but what I would like to do to help you feel more important to me is always start by acknowledging you are attempting to connect and either putting down my device and being present or asking for the time I need to get whatever I’m doing to a stopping point so that I can give you my full attention. How does that sound?
This is a good place to prepare to switch roles so that you can take a turn sharing your experience and complaint if you have one in the conflict. It is also a great time to take notes of what you have said you will do, I find that when my partner asks for something I make a note in the moment and then my auto-programming kicks in days or weeks later and if I don’t have something to reference I often forget after a while. A great example of this in my own marriage is that my wife has shared that it makes her nuts when I leave my toothbrush sitting on the counter instead of putting it back in the holder, I do not do this on purpose and it took an effort for several weeks when I picked up my toothbrush to say to myself “get it back in the cup when you are done Bickle”… And now when I walk into the bathroom in the morning and see it on the counter I get a good laugh because I know that I was not present and I get a chance to acknowledge it with my wife and let her know that it was not done intentionally that I was not present and I can own it.
Swap Roles and do the steps again