Healing Resentments

Download the Reunite Tool Here

The Reunite Tool is the expert work of Dr. Wyatt Fisher and represents the culmination of over 20 years of pioneering efforts to help couples quickly access the feelings behind resentments, enabling the healing process to begin.

Can you clearly describe your resentment without using the words "YOU," "ALWAYS," or "NEVER"?

It's harder than you think! The main goal here is to start focusing on the feelings you want to share with your partner that have resulted in the resentment, not just the specific event that transpired.

The Reunite Tool: Complainer Steps

Pre-Step:

Before we begin, start by formulating your resentment into a short and concise sentence. Try to distinguish the specifics of an event from the overall feeling it creates within you.

Instead of: “You never put the dishes in the dishwasher,”

It might look like: “This is about feeling like I do more than my share of the housework.”

Here are a few more examples of phrases that would share common resentments without using the prohibited words:

• This is about my need for physical intimacy being judged and dismissed.

• This is about my opinions being overridden regarding my parenting decisions.

• This is about feeling like my opinions do not matter.

• This is about feeling like my contributions are ignored.

1. Progress

Once you have shared the feelings behind the resentment, you will take the time to acknowledge that your partner does not always make you feel this way. Thank them for moments in the past 6 to 12 months where they have improved in this area. This step builds on the process by taking a feeling you have shared and letting your partner know that this is not an attack but a way to share a feeling in a safe manner. Consider the difference in how a conversation feels when someone opens with "you never do…" compared to a conversation that starts with "I want to share my feelings, and I want to acknowledge the work you are doing to make things better." For example: "I want to tell you I have noticed that you help out in the kitchen and with the dishes more often than not."

2. Benefit of the Doubt.

This step allows you to share with your partner that you are giving them the benefit of the doubt. You are acknowledging that you do not believe they do this to cause you any ill feelings. Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt in this step allows them to hear that you do not think they are "bad" or willfully causing you these feelings, helping them see that you are acknowledging that. For example: "I realize that you have a lot on your mind most of the time and that chores may just not make the top of your list."

3. Your Part.

Now you get to own your actions that may have contributed to the hurtful behavior. This is your opportunity to let your partner know that you acknowledge your imperfections and some ownership in the conflict, helping them see that you are owning your part. This is also a time to consider how your partner's behavior may be tapping into a wound from your past. Is there something in your upbringing contributing to your feelings and actions? For example: "I realize that there are times when you try to help with the housework, and I point out that you are not doing it the way I want it done, like with the dishwasher. I'm sure me always telling you how to load it 'my way' makes you feel unappreciated and makes you not want to try."

4. Complaint.

Now that you have introduced the feelings behind the complaint and acknowledged your partner's efforts, you can formalize the complaint, remembering not to use the words "YOU," "ALWAYS," or "NEVER."

The format: "There has been a pattern of _________, and it makes me feel _________, and it taps into my core need for ____________."

For example: "There has been a pattern of me doing the majority of the housework, which makes me feel disrespected and taps into my core need to be seen as an equal partner in the relationship."

Some common core needs to use in your complaint:

• Feeling heard

• Feeling supported

• Feeling wanted

• Feeling respected

The Reunite Tool: Listener Steps

1. Summarize

As the listener, your first step is to summarize your partner's complaint. This helps them see that you are hearing them and ensures that you have understood the message correctly. This also gives your partner the opportunity to provide feedback if they feel the complaint was not heard correctly or did not convey exactly what they were trying to share. During the summary process, once you have summarized your partner's complaint and they have agreed that this is indeed what they are trying to share, take a few moments to feel into the complaint. This is your opportunity to think about what parts you can own here. Remember, when your partner shares their feelings with you, these are always valid feelings; you may not agree completely with what they are saying, but it is important to acknowledge that their feelings are real and valuable. This is also your opportunity to think about how much of this issue you can and want to own. The 50 percent rule suggests that you are not responsible for the entire complaint because your partner is acknowledging their part through their actions, circumstances, and past. It is also important to own that you are probably not 0% to blame. By listening to the part of the complaint you can own, you have the opportunity to acknowledge your actions and make positive changes. Sometimes you will own 5% and sometimes you will own 95%, acknowledging what you can own will help you understand that you are being invited by your partner to change things within your control that will help your partner feel closer to you.

Once you can internally acknowledge your ownership without excuses, move on to step two.

2. Ownership

Here, you will simply convey to your partner what you acknowledge that you can own from their complaint. For example: "I acknowledge that I don’t always do my part around the house." OWN THIS! This is not a place to add excuses, reasons, or "buts"… The power in this message is letting your partner hear that you are owning a piece of the problem and, in turn, helps them see that you are seeing an area of growth for yourself. Often, a complaint our partner is bringing is an opportunity and a challenge for us to grow; it is highlighting something that we can focus on for growth. Once you have shared what you can own, allow your partner a moment to hear those words and allow them to absorb your ownership.

Additional Resources:
Book Recommendation: “Extreme Ownership: How US Navy Seals lead and win”
Ted Talk: Extreme Ownership, Jocko Willinik

3. Empathize

Our next step is empathy. I want to point out that not all partners have ever been taught to understand empathy. Empathy does not mean you accept 100% of the blame or that your partner's view of you is 100% correct; it is acknowledging that your partner feels a certain way and that you understand that the feeling is not a good one for them. "It makes sense that you would feel X when I do Y." You are simply acknowledging that you understand their feelings, validating their feelings, and helping them see that you can see their complaint from their perspective. There is so much healing that can be done when a partner can share a feeling, and the other does not respond by arguing, fighting, or justifying. When we show empathy for our partner's feelings, it helps validate them and helps our partner start the process of letting them go. You may not ever completely agree with what they have shared in their complaint; in our example, you may not contribute to housework because when you do, they always tell you how you have done it wrong, complain about how it was done, or nitpick your work, regardless if they feel that there is an imbalance, it is an opportunity to see the situation from each other's point of view and help address their core needs. When we empathize, we help them heal; when we argue or defend, we pour gas on the fire that has caused the negative emotions.

For example: "I can see how not contributing more would make you feel like you are doing all the work and that I don’t see you as a partner."

I know I was neer taught how to empathize with my partner (or anyone for that matter). If you need help understanding empathy check out this amazing resource “The Power of Empathy”

4. Apology

Now, for the apology, you have ensured that they know you can see the problem from their perspective, you have validated their feelings, and you have expressed a desire to own your part in the conflict; now comes the time to actually apologize. For example: "I am sorry that I often leave the bulk of the housework to you, and I can see how that would make you feel disrespected."

If you or your partner struggle with apologies there is a great article from the Harvard Medical School “The art of a heartfelt apology”

5. Make Amends

Now that you’ve taken ownership for your part, provided empathy, and given an apology, it’s time to make amends. This is your opportunity to suggest what you could do differently in the future to address your partner's complaint. Apologies without changed actions are manipulations, so highlighting the things you would like to DO will help reassure your partner that their complaints will be addressed. In any relationship, you can only own your part, but this means owning 100% of your part; by highlighting what you would like to do, you are telling your partner that they are important to you, that you own your part, and that you are willing to show up differently so that the negative feelings they have toward you will not continue to grow. To follow our example: "Moving forward, I will get more involved in the housework and do my share. How does that sound? Will you also let me know if there are specific things you would like help with? Is there anything specific you’d like to ask me for today?"

Now that you understand the WHY for all the steps, let's give it a try. Download the PDF with the steps and let's walk through them together. Download the Reunite Tool Here.