Nice guys finish last!?
This one is mostly for the men but ladies feel free to tell me how this lands for you too.
We have all heard the cliche, but lets dive into what it looks like to be a “Nice Guy” and outline what it would look like to instead be a “Great Guy”.
So what are the things that make a guy a “Nice Guy”? Let’s take a look at the nice guy play book to help us understand a little more what is really going on, whether you do it intentionally or not.
The Nice Guy Play Book:
Find a partner that you believe is out of your league.
Be extra nice to her so she notices you.
Give more of yourself than you should in hopes she sees you.
Put her on a pedestal so that you can worship her.
Say yes, even when you want to say no.
Start to resent her for not matching your level of giving.
Double down on your efforts.
Resent her more for not trying.
Does any of this sound familiar?
As you can see, the nice guy is a man who looses his identity, who puts his partner above himself, and who is giving for the sole purpose of trying to get something in return. So while it may look nice that you bring your wife flowers every week, if you are doing it because you want something in return you are giving off that stanky nice guy energy that eventually acts like a repellent.
You know you are being a nice guy when:
You say yes when you want to say no.
You give up your hobbies, passions, and friends to make your partners your priority.
You know you are doing things in hopes of getting attention from your partner.
You feel upset when your efforts are not met with your expected results.
So what do these look like in real life? They are not as elusive as you may think, in fact, some of these are so ingrained in our culture that they are the basis of most relationships.
If I buy you flowers and gifts on Valentines day, I’m getting lucky.
If I buy you dinner, there is a chance that I will get something in return.
If I do this for you, I will get my needs met.
This is not entirely your fault, from the very beginning we are taught that courtship is about trading money for attention. We are taught to buy flowers, and pay for dinners, and…. All with the underlying expectation that we will get our needs met. This is something we should probably address at a much bigger societal level but today, we start with you!
Everybody loves a nice guy at first, until they get a taste of the expectations behind the behavior, that behavior smells of desperation, deceit, and expectations and is not a healthy energy to bring to any relationship.
So the clear answer is yes, nice guys do finish last. But this isn’t about letting the pendulum swing so far back in the other direction that you become “the jerk”, so what does it look like to be a Great Guy instead of a Nice Guy?
Learn how to set and hold your boundaries. Stop saying yes when you want to say no, stop saying yes when it means giving up on your own goals, passions, and projects.
Learn to give and love unconditionally. What would it look like if the things you did for your partner were not done to get your needs met but where simply done as a way to say I love you. Unconditional love. I bought you flowers because they made me think of you. This doesn’t mean saying that and secretly hoping to get some action later, this means saying this with the period on the end.
Ask for what you need instead of doing nice things to try and get what you want.
Take your partner off of that pedestal, if this relationship is going to work, you will need to be equals.
Stop shying away from conflict because you fear it will prevent you from getting what you want.
Hold your partner accountable for their words, actions, and behavior.
Nice guys finish last, but great guys, great guys show up, they do the work, they love unconditionally, and they create the safe container for the relationship to thrive.
If you are interested in learning more and doing the work to grow I suggest starting with these books.
Listen to: No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover.
