3 Steps to prevent expectations from becoming resentments

Let’s start with the basic question: What expectations do you have of your partner in the relationship?

• to take out the trash

• grocery shop

• take care of the kids

• be the one to leave work if a child is sick

• ask you for what they need

• communicate in the way you would like

• fill the car with gas

• clean up dishes after you cook

• handle the bills / finances

• do the laundry

The list can go on forever, what I’m getting at is this, can you look at the pieces of your relationship and the idea around what expectations you hold for your partner either spoken or unspoken and be completely honest with yourself about which ones you have clearly communicated and which ones you just silently expect?

I know in my marriage it is my job to take out the trash, why do I know this? I know this because my wife usually sets the bag on the floor, or outside the back door and leaves it there until I do something about it. Now, I don’t take the bag and put it in the cans because we had a conversation and she set an expectation that I would be the one to do that job, it is just something she set in her mind that was my job and by leaving it out she knows I can’t stand it sitting out and that I will deal with it.

So lets follow that example a little further, she leaves the bag outside the back door and I ignore it because I’m being petty why I’m expected to do it, I start to build a resentment towards her that she can’t ever just take it the 10 extra steps and put it in the can. Guess what, she is developing a resentment for me because she has an expectation that taking the garbage out is my job and now we are holding on to resentments from something as silly as the daily task of taking out the trash.

Expectations are preplanned resentments!

I love this quote so much! After hearing it the first time I got into an argument with my daughter and realized this was on ME! She asked to stay up just a little later so we could finish watching a show, in my mind that meant as soon as the show was over she would scurry off to bed and be done with it. When the show ended she sat on the couch talking to my wife, looking at something on her phone and I could feel myself getting upset with her, WHY wasn’t she just going to bed like we agreed!? Well, it turns out that I had an expectation of what saying yes to “can I stay up a little longer” meant AND I had neglected to share that expectation with her. Expectations and resentments are not unique to our romantic relationships, children, employees, friends, just about anyone we interact with we can learn to check in with our expectations and get them before they turn into something else.

What if we normalized sharing expectations with our partner in a way that invited them to help meet our needs? “Hey I cooked do you mind doing dishes?” How simple is that vs having the expectation that since I cooked you should do it and then if you don’t do it on my timeline I am going to resent the fact that you are not living up to your end of the deal and now I have to be grumpy because I resent you for not doing your part.

So what are the steps to prevent expectations from becoming resentments?

1) Evaluate your own expectations for your partner, are they realistic and fair? Do they fit in to your overall relationship agreement?

2) Acknowledge the expectations you wish to hold on to and find a way to clearly articulate these to your partner. Can you do this with love and the idea that if you are sharing an expectation it is based on some form of shared duty and reciprocation? “I cooked you are on dish duty” is a simple way to share the contribution you made and ask for them to participate.

3) When you feel a resentment building, can you tie it down to an expectation you have not properly communicated? Can you then share with your partner that you are upset and it is because you are holding on to a resentment around an unmet expectation? The Reunite Tool is perfect for this type of sharing and healing.

As always, I share the lessons I have learned over the course of my self work and growth, my hope is that the work I do and share here will help you start to do your own work and learn how to be the best partner you can be. If you need some help resolving resentments and rebuilding fill out the contact form and lets have a chat and see if we are a good fit for each other, otherwise keep coming back and I’ll keep sharing the tools and lessons I’ve learned that have helped my on my journey!