Should I get divorced?
When you ask friends, family, or anyone that knows you this question the answer will almost always be yes.
It will be yes because your friends and family want you to be happy and just by merely asking this question you are already telling them that you are miserable, that your relationship no longer has that happy, love filled glow and you are unhappy enough to seek counsel from people close to you.
IMPORTANT NOTE: There are always going to be cases where the answer should be an immediate yes, domestic abuse, child abuse, and any other situation where you or your children’s safety is at risk.
A quick look at Google and what search terms people are looking for shows that people Google the word “Divorce” at almost ~80x the rate they look up “Relationship Coach” or “Marriage Counselor”. This means that most people have already given up and just want to end the pain.
So what is my story and why am I here sharing? I was in that spot, my wife was in that spot, we both thought we were doing everything right and we both thought the other was just ignoring our needs on purpose and thought we were clearly communicating our needs and wants.
Let me give an example: I make great money by most US standards running my two tech companies, I have the freedom in my schedule to make sure I can pick up the kid from school when she’s done, and always make sure that dinner is sorted by either shopping and cooking or making sure I order for the family. For 4 years my wife would say something along the lines of: “I just wish you would do more” which just infuriated me, my ego got in the way and I probably could have responded better than I did… I think my go to response was F* Off, I already do everything… I had a lot to learn for sure! (more on this in other posts!)
Once our marriage was circling the drain and we saw a counselor she was telling the counselor that for 4 years she had been telling me what she needed and my response was always F* OFF! I finally realized that I needed to ask her what she meant when she said that? She started to tell a story of how overwhelmed she was starting her new business and that she needed my help in a different way.
Now from her perspective for 4 years she had been asking for what she needed and for 4 years I had ignored her needs and requests. From my perspective “I wish you would do more” when I felt like I was already doing everything was just incendiary and in no way shape or form was her actually asking me for what she needed.
Simply put, neither of us had the communication skills or tools to share, listen, or communicate properly.
When I coach my clients the first thing I often hear is “I have already told him/her what I need and they are ignoring it”. So as a coach I have the choice to get into the weeds of the bickering over who said what and how the other responded OR I can simply acknowledge that one or both partners believes they have asked for what they need and ask them to give their partner some understanding while we work thru the necessary steps for real communication to happen and for needs to be shared in a way that is clear and invites their partner to meet them instead of react.
Back to you: So, If this headline caught your attention it means you are at least thinking about separation or divorce or are at the very least unhappy in your current relationship. So what if you asked a different question?
What if you asked “What do I need to do to have an amazing, fulfilling, love filled relationship with my partner”?
Ask yourself if you have the courage to not only ask the question differently but to ask your partner differently. What would it look like if instead of continuing to re-dance the same broken dance you changed the music? I think about this often, if my wife had not used that same phrase over and over and instead said “Hey, I don’t feel like we are communicating well and I’d love to get some help, I miss feeling more connected to you and I want our relationship to be better than it is”. I would most certainly have responded differently.
So what will you do? Will you keep asking the same people who are biased and just want to give you the quick answer that they think is the quickest path to happiness or will you ask a different question?
I am historically not a huge fan of counseling mainly because the 3 different times we tried counseling we would spend 45 minutes picking scabs and fighting and then just awkwardly walk to the same car and not talk again until much later that night.
Why I love Relationship Coaching:
The method I have found most useful was developed by Dr. Wyatt Fisher after spending 20+ years counseling his clients and wanting to build a better framework. I use his framework with all of my coaching clients today:
Healing resentments: allows both partners to feel seen and heard and invites the other partner in to helping heal from the past.
Learning to own our own brokenness: When we sit down with our partner and take ownership of what we know is broken inside of us we both help our partner better understand that may not be doing some things consciously AND it helps us see where we need to grow as individuals
Learning the tools: with some simple tools and conversation starters we will create a framework for both partners to share and communicate in a way that does not end up in another fight.
If you made it this far I commend you for having enough desire to find a better answer. I strongly recommend you ask a different question and find a way to enroll your partner to step outside of the normal dance and build something better. Your relationship doesn’t have to be over and can actually be better than anything you have ever imagined.
I always here, or in the Insta @StephenBickleCoaching or you can find me on my website for Relationship Coaching in Santa Monica stephenbickle.com.
