I want more…

So many of my conversations with clients and friends start out with this simple phrase. I want more…

• I want more intimacy.

• I want more sex.

• I want more connection.

• I want more quality time.

• I want more affection.

• I want more…

  The list goes on and on but the reality is that it often boils down to two main longings.

I want more connection and intimacy from my partner.

Before I started my journey in to self growth and relationship work I would often joke with my wife that I just wanted to “be in her skin”, looking back I see just how creepy that sounds!!! WOW! OK enough about that, the reason I am sharing that misguided attempt at connection is to share that in those days I had no vocabulary for what I knew was missing. I so desperately wanted to be closer to her, to feel the type of connection we had years ago.

For me, physical intimacy was the only language I spoke, it was the only way that I felt connected to my wife and in turn was what I was always asking for. I’m sure there are people on both sides of the intimacy isle reading this thinking YES! I was asking for intimacy and connection, my partner was thinking “he is just interested in sex!”.

I’m going to paint with some big broad brushes today so lets pretend the world is made up of averages and not individual specific numbers, just for a second. On average, men relate to physical intimacy as a primary form of connection to their partner. We have been ingrained to believe that physical intimacy is the ultimate measure of connection. You would almost never hear two boys in a high-school locker room asking “but did she share her hopes and dreams with you?!” the conversation that is acceptable in most male circles, especially here in the U.S. is “did you have sex"?" There it is, the entirety of what boys and men have been trained to ask, was there physical intimacy, as if that is the only thing that is acceptable and/or matters. There is actually a great book by Justin Baldoni called “Man Enough” where he breaks down in much greater detail what he believes happens to boys as they make their journey into manhood the how and why our priorities get twisted.

To use that same broad brush, most of the woman I speak to when asked about intimacy would almost all believe that we were talking about emotional intimacy. Try it for yourself, ask the men and women you hold close in your life how their intimacy is with their partner and see how they respond. My experience is that the women I talk to are looking for an emotional intimacy forward relationship where the great physical intimacy is the cherry on the top.

Remember this is big broad brushes, I could probably say masculine and feminine and that would be more politically correct in this day and age, but for now lets just stick with basics.

The point I really want to get to is this: If you are aware that you are longing for more intimacy in your own relationship it is time to take ownership of what exactly that means to you and to have the conversation about what that means to your partner. For those that have an emotional intimacy primary, can you step back and see your partners attempt at physical intimacy not as a threat to or aside from emotional intimacy but as a desire to share a deeper intimacy with you in a language they understand? Can you see it not as a neglect of your need but a request for intimacy in a language they are more fluent in? Can you start open and honest conversations about understanding their needs and wanting to work together so that both of you can feel intimately connected?

And for my physical intimacy speakers, when you think about how your own needs are not being met, can you stop and ask yourself what your partner needs from you? Its easy to say “I want more ….” but can you stop and ask yourself what it might be that your partner wants and needs in order to find themselves in a place of wanting to have a deeper connection of any kind to you?

Stereotypes aside, one thing I am sure of, long term relationships are made up of two people who want to be closer and want a deeper intimacy with their partner and who work to figure out what it is that their partner needs and in turn shares what they need and want.

If you are struggling to find a deeper intimacy with your partner I suggest the book “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly which outlines 4 primary types of intimacy and the role each one plays in our relationships.

There are some amazing tools out there to help couples rekindle and rebuild, drop me a note in the comments or send me a contact request and I’ll help guide you in the right direction. I’m also available to work with couples individually to help understand the differences and rebuild the connection and intimacy, just use the big blue button on the top of the screen to schedule an intro session and lets see if we are right for each other.