Book Review: “Total Marriage Refresh” by Dr. Wyatt Fisher
I recommend this book to anyone who is not getting everything they want out of their relationship. Its that simple.
Relationships are messy, complicated, and hard, there is no getting around that and if you believe otherwise you are probably on the wrong blog. I don’t believe in the fairytale version of love, the happily ever after no effort required love. I believe that love is a choice that we make every day, even on those days when our partner is making it extra challenging to love them, that relationships take both people working and trying. John Kim has a quote that says something along the lines of “Relationships are like riding a tandem bike up hill, the moment you stop peddling the bike falls over”… The point being, I believe that both partners need to keep a growth mindset, to not settle for mediocrity, and to keep peddling the relationship bike together to make it all work out.
Dr. Fisher has done an amazing job of breaking down relationships into understandable patterns and problems and highlights actionable tools we can use to build back our relationships and help them be less bumpy in the future.
Some of his key concepts:
Contract vs Covenant: In chapter 1 we get right into the mindset that it takes to make a relationship last. Contract vs Covenant, did you get married and promise all those vows with the intent that it was just temporary and you could leave if they didn’t work or did you take your vows seriously at the time? Did you believe that you loved this person enough that even when rough times hit you would choose them and try your best to make it work? Thats what this concept is all about. Contract relationships are ones where one or both partners are there as long as their needs are getting met, when the needs top getting met, they are gone. Covenant relationships are those where we agree that things will go thru cycles of good and bad and that we will always fight for the relationship and not threaten to walk away when it gets hard.
Owning your brokenness: In chapter 2 he discusses how the not so simple act of owning our own brokenness can help highlight patters of disconnect in our relationship. It is an exploration of how the simple act of admitting to ourselves and our partner where we struggle and where we could do better, getting and giving reflection with our partner on how those interact with them can help start to prevent negative relationship dynamics in the future.
Sharing Power: Highlighting that power imbalances in relationships are a major cause of relationship struggle and suggesting tools to help navigate power struggles, negotiate fairly, and ensuring that both partners feel heard and respected.
Cultivating Emotional Attachment: What makes our partner different than our friends? The level of intimacy we have with them, they are the only partner who we get to share in all aspects of intimacy. Here we learn how to deepen our emotional attachment, what often prevents us from feeling closer, and the tools to help each couple build connection on an emotional level.
Sexual Fireworks: What does it take to have sexual fireworks with a partner in long term relationships, here we learn the building blocks, or wedding cake model as Dr. Fisher calls it, that help us understand what parts of the relationship need to be healed and built up before we can move on to deeper connections, including sexual intimacy. Key concepts are that when you hold on to resentments for your partner, sexual intimacy will be challenging at best, and non-existent at its worst.
All-in-all, Dr. Fisher puts together an easy to read, easy to digest blueprint for understanding why relationships struggle, helping the reader understand that they are not that different from every other long term relationship, and helps the reader understand what tools are available to make their own relationship better.
Dr. Fisher is also the founder of the Fisher Relationship Coaching Academy where myself and a host of over well trained coaches are put thru the process of learning how to use the tools to facilitate connection for couples around the world. If your relationship is struggling and you know you want more, reach out to an FRCA trained coach for practical lessons on taking your relationship to a place it probably has never been before!
As always, if you think we would be a good fit, schedule a 15 minute intro call to see if we are right for each other.
